The Academy asked me to hold off on my predictions for the 2014 Academy Awards until tonight so I wouldn’t influence the voters. I understand. So now, without further ado, here are my predictions for the March 2nd telecast of the Oscars:
- No one will ask a sensible question to an actress on the red carpet.
- Talented human beings will be ogled by millions of people who have no business criticizing them. But that’s still not as bad as the staff of the E! network…
- Ellen will do a much better hosting job than Seth MacFarlane because no other outcome is possible.
- Jack Nicholson and/or Louis Gosset Jr. will attend; for no reason whatsoever…
- A number of Americans will needlessly address Judi Dench as “Dame”. We’re not British, folks, you don’t need to use those honorifics.
- During the remembrance portion of the show where they pay respects to those who have died, the order & length of segments will be callously tilted in favor of those who were most popular, once again reminding us that we are not all equal, even in death…
- Salma Hayek and/or Penélope Cruz will be trotted out to present any foreign language awards, since they are evidently the only Latina actresses the Academy has ever hear of – and despite the fact that Spanish, while a beautiful language, is not the ONLY foreign language…
- At my daughter’s request, I’m noting that “Let It Go” is a mortal lock to win Best Original Song. And now she’s singing it. Again…
- Up until yesterday I’d have said Frozen was certain to win Animated Feature, but after seeing The Wind Rises this weekend, I’m going to have to change my prediction…
- That tool from U2 will wear silly glasses that will once again bruise my efforts to not pray for the spontaneous combustion of a fellow human being. They’ll also play a crappy Brian Eno rip-off…
- Producers will continue to not be given any awards, despite the fact that they are the ones who actually get these movies made.
